9AM Another Week Begins

Engineer: Don’t kill anyone.
Tech Writer: Can I maim them?
Engineer: Yeah. If you maim them you seem like more of a team player.

1550 Buckeye Drive
Milpitas, California

North, by God, America!

Paralegal: Well, Montreal is technically in America.

Design Center Place
Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: umm … really?

What’s More Disturbing Than Time-Travel Pedophilia?

Male coworker to another: I’d love to see pictures of you as a child. Or, better yet, video.

New Haven, Connecticut

Overheard by: Derek

Let Us Pour Libations and Examine the Entrails of a Goat

Clueless VP, whispering right after lightbulb has exploded: What does it mean?

Park Avenue
New York City, New York

But Aren’t We Scheduled to Exchange Briefs and Deliver Oral Arguments?

Office Assistant: If I go back to the phone without an answer this guy is going to eat me out.
Manager: I think you mean chew you out.

1125 Colonel Drive
Ottawa, Ontario, Canada

Overheard by: WOW @ CU

Yes, But They Go Left to Right

Drone #1: This is one thing I didn’t miss last week.
Drone #2: What? Elevators?
Drone #1: Yeah.
Drone #3: Don’t they have them in West Virginia? 

175 S. Third Street
Columbus, Ohio

Tonight on Straight Eye for the Queer Guy

Chief: Tom’s got it all wrong. Most of the gay men I meet are eloquent, they’re fit, into the arts. Tom’s none of this things. He’s fat, he’s got a mass of body hair, bad breath…it’s like he’s only gay in his brain.

Stroudsburg, Pennsylvania

…That’s My Beef with You.

Bewildered call agent: No, ma’am, “Seattle” is not spelled with a “c,” if it were it would sound like… “cattle.”

Yakima, Washington

Overheard by: Moooo

Stupid Musical Urinals

Employee: I have “Holly Jolly Christmas” in my head, and it’s all the bathroom’s fault.

Kansas City, Missouri

Overheard by: Meghan

Is This Quote Any Good? Discuss.

Manager: How we doin’?
Sales rep: Good!
Manager: Good.
Sales rep: Sales are good.
Manager: Good!

Chesapeake, Virginia

Overheard by: Project Manager