Archive for the ‘Family’ Category

Another Reason Not to Take Advice from People with Footwear Issues

Guy with loafers but no socks on cell: Hi son, it’s me. Am I going to see you at the club tonight, or are you staying home? Oh, okay. So did you switch your class schedule? So now you’re taking gym instead of business law? Terrific! That’s great. Okay, see you soon. Bye.

New Haven, Connecticut

Overheard by: who calls their son

Well You Did Plan the Whole Funeral

Peon #1: Oh my god, who wrote “Happy birthday!” in the “Loss of your father” sympathy card?
Peon #2: Clearly it was Lance. Who else is that stupid?
Lance: What did I do? Oh, it’s fine, let’s just use Wite-Out, he won’t know the difference.
Peon #2: Didn’t you read the card? Or look at it? It’s blue, how’s “white” out supposed to fix it?
Lance: What, it’s always someone’s birthday around here, since when do we do sympathy cards?
Peon #1: Since my grandma died and you wrote “Thanks for all your hard work.”

Arizona

Overheard by: Shocked in AZ

Was It Better When People Didn’t Discuss Their Vaginas at Work? Discuss.

Super pregnant co-worker to new hire: Oh my god, it’s like I can feel his face pushing up against my vagina whenever I walk!
(new hire stares in stunned silence)
Super pregnant co-worker, attempting to backpedal: Well, I mean, not all the time. But if I walk really fast then I get worried it’ll mess up his face! Like, “woah, dude, what happened to your nose?” “My mom had a really heavy gait when I was in utero, man.”

New Jersey

Overheard by: So, what does it feel like when you sit?