That Ex­plains Some of the Stains, Though

Lawyer: Oh, he’s a phi­lan­der­er?
Le­gal as­sis­tant: No, he works at a paint store.

14340 57th Av­enue
Sur­rey, British Co­lum­bia, Cana­da

Try Ac­tu­al­ly Wear­ing That Ten­nis Sweater, Scott

Loud man com­plain­ing to li­brar­i­an: Can you turn the heat up or the air con­di­tion­ing down? It’s too cold in here. It might be fine for some­one with type o blood, but I’m freez­ing!

Pub­lic Li­brary
La Jol­la, Cal­i­for­nia

Seems to Have Mis­un­der­stood Geena Davis’s Role in Cut­throat Is­land

PR agent: He’s greedy, and he’s a pi­rate, and he’s a whore.

350 5th Av­enue
New York, New York

Over­heard by: ed­i­to­r­i­al intern/slave

Your Ed­i­tors Don’t Want to See That Movie

Mod­el #1: I want to put ba­bies in you.
Mod­el #2: You want to im­preg­nate me?
Mod­el #1: No, I want to slice you open and shove ba­bies in you.
Mod­el #2: That’s sweet­est thing any­one’s ever said to me.

Adult Film Com­pa­ny
San Fran­cis­co, Cal­i­for­nia

Over­heard by: fetish­girl

Why Cross­word Puz­zles Are So Dif­fi­cult: Ex­plained

Cowork­er on phone: You mean “s” as in “Frank”?

Mor­ris, Illi­nois

I Think That’s What She Told a Bunch Of the Vot­ers

Voice on phone com­ing out of an of­fice: Re­al­ly? Be­cause I thought she on­ly had one tit.
(cube dweller swings head around in dis­be­lief)
Voice on the phone: You know like one of the Ama­zon ladies who shave their breasts off?
(cube dweller scur­ries away)

New Hamp­shire

Over­heard by: David

Ar­lene Had Dif­fi­cul­ty Grasp­ing the Con­cept Of a Skirt

An­noyed fe­male cowork­er: Stu­pid pants! Get in my crotch!

At­lanta, Geor­gia

Over­heard by: B. Rye

…Ex­cept the Den­tistry.

Gate at­ten­dant on in­ter­com: We’ll be serv­ing din­ner on board. You don’t have to pay, you just have to eat it. A love­ly break­fast will be served in the morn­ing, and then the land­ing will be love­ly be­cause every­thing in Eng­land is love­ly.

JFK Air­port
New York

Over­heard by: ol­lie

It the Fu­ture, You’ll Be Able to Just Click a Box on the In­ter­net

Girl ap­ply­ing for mar­riage li­cense, to fi­ance: You sure you want to do this?
Fi­ance to girl: Who else am I gonna mar­ry?
Girl to clerk: Is this the same place you come for di­vorce too?

Clerk of Court Of­fice
Ti­tusville, Flori­da

Over­heard by: Tri­cia

At Least They Did­n’t Give You Mayo

Black of­fice work­er af­ter get­ting lunch: Teriya­ki sauce? Sweet and sour sauce? No BBQ sauce? How am I sup­posed to eat my chick­en nuggets, don’t they know I’m black?

New York City, New York

Over­heard by: Je­sus Jon