Archive for the ‘Diet & Weight’ Category

First They Came for the Trans-Fats and I Did­n’t Speak up

Writer: ‘Port­ly’ sounds cute. Sounds like a nice, bald, fat man in a three-piece suit.
De­sign­er: ‘Port­ly’ sounds like some­one with grease stains on their shirt from drop­ping a piece of chick­en.
Writer: That’s not ‘port­ly!’ That’s obese!
De­sign­er: What’s the dif­fer­ence?
Writer: Obese is like those Sub­way ads be­fore Jared lost his weight. When he was all wild-eyed and sav­age. Clothes all stretched out, noth­ing laun­dered, brim­ming with Big Macs and Crisco sand­which­es.
De­sign­er: They should out­law Crisco. Just straight out make it a crime.
Writer: Yeah.

16340 North Scotts­dale Road
Scotts­dale, Ari­zona

I Work Here?

Lau­ren*: So I went on this di­et and I was eat­ing cream of mush­room soup. And I thought, “wow, this is aw­ful­ly thick. It’s like pud­ding!” Then I re­al­ized you’re sup­posed to put wa­ter in it.
Boss: Je­sus Christ, Lau­ren*!
Lau­ren*: I know, right?
Boss: Why did we hire you again?

Fontana, Cal­i­for­nia

Over­heard by: Aeirlys

Hang­ing Out by the Wa­ter Cool­er…

Woman #1: So my phone rings at like 2 in the morn­ing and I was sleep­ing, so now I’m frick­en pissed that my phone is ring­ing at 2 in the morn­ing. It’s one of my hus­bands friends and he says, “I need a place to stay, I just got kicked out of my house. My broth­er–” blah, blah, blah, blah. So I told him he could stay for a few days, but on­ly for a few and then he had to leave. So he said he’d be right over, and I wait­ed and wait­ed and wait­ed. Well, the son of a bitch nev­er came…So that ru­ined my whole frick­en night! So my hus­band is still asleep, and I haven’t told him yet that his friend is stay­ing at our house, but he was­n’t here yet so…So I go on do­ing my usu­al morn­ing shit, and I go out to get the pa­per when some­thing on the porch catch­es my eye. It was a bunch of garbage bags, and I’m think­ing, “What the hell?”. Tom brought the garbage out, why the frick would he put it on the porch? So I walk over to go and put them in the garbage bin, when I see this huge man sit­ting on my porch. It was Tom’s friend, and I asked him how long he’d been out there. He said, “Since 1 AM.” And I’m think­ing, “Je­sus Christ, thank God my neigh­bors did­n’t call the god­damn po­lice.” I mean I can just pic­ture this man sleep­ing on my porch, he’s so damn big…So I had this beached whale on my frick­en porch all night long. So then I asked him if he want­ed some cof­fee, and Or­ca comes in the house and tells me he got a ride, and that I need­ed to dri­ve all the way out to Springville to get his van. His van that had no gas. Mean­while, I still need to tell my husband…so I go in and I wake him up and I said, “Con­grat­u­la­tions hon, we have a 400 pound ba­by boy.” He just looked at me like I was frick­en nuts. So af­ter I ex­plained every­thing to him he came down, and you know…blah blah blah. I make the couch up for Or­ca and I put down some clean sheets, well the next morn­ing I come down­stairs and…he was lay­ing on my couch with no shirt on. Ugh, I’m go­ing to have to burn my couch. You don’t seem to un­der­stand how big he is. His stom­ach was­n’t even touch­ing the couch. It was hang­ing off of it. When he sits down his bel­ly but­ton reach­es his nose. He could prob­a­bly use it as a beer hold­er. Well I hear this whirring noise and he’s got on a frick­en oxy­gen mask, and hon­est­ly I did­n’t know he could­n’t breathe…I mean, the man seems to smoke and drink just fine. But lit­er­al­ly his stom­ach is so huge. He’s got a dick­do.
Woman #2: A dick­do?
Woman #1: When his stom­ach sticks out fur­ther than his dick do.

1695 E. Ave
Buf­fa­lo, New York