Archive for the ‘Death’ Category

And Once You’re Fired, You Can’t Fire Back

Boss to intern: If I have to shoot you, I’m gonna shoot you.

Manhattan, New York

The Customer Is Always Right

Customer: I don’t know if I should get the two years subscription, I might not live that long.
Employee: How old are you?
Customer: 68.
Employee: Well, Tom*, that’s a crapshoot.

Harrisburg, North Carolina

I Still Want a Parachute, Though

Male coworker: I’m not afraid to fall to my death. I’m really not.

Plainsboro, New Jersey

My Obituary: “He Had Too Many Boring Afternoons”

Random editor: Hey, busy day?
Obituary editor: No, not so busy.
Random editor: Well, that’s good, right? People aren’t dying?
Obituary editor: Makes for a very boring afternoon.

Post Office Road
Waldorf, Maryland

Worst. Tooth Fairy. Ever.

Diner: Well, you know, when she was young she just liked to sleep with dead animals under her pillow.

Denver, Colorado

Have You Considered Art School?

Girl #1: I should be a professional killer
Girl #2: What are you talking about?
Girl #1: Well, I was really good in riflery in camp. I hate people. And I love wearing black.

40 West 57th Street
New York, New York

Without Conspiracy Theories, TV Would Be Iowa’s Only Entertainment

Cheeky sales guy: What about adding fluoride to water..?
Sales lady: Don’t do it!
Cheeky sales guy: The Nazis used it.
Sales lady: Stop egging him on!
Sales guy #2: Yeah, the first place it was used was the concentration camps. Adolf Hitler found that it mellowed them out.
Cubicle neighbor: And their teeth looked awesome?
Sales guy #2: No, it has nothing to do with teeth! It’s the second most poisonous element. It’s used in all kinds of rat poisons.

Marion, Iowa

Now Make him Define Irony!

Brother: Is he dead?
Brother’s friend’s brother: I think he’s asleep.
Brother: Hey, you awake?
Brother’s friend’s brother: Hey! Say something.
Brother’s friend: Make me.

Mishawaka, Indiana

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