Security guard: This guy comes in with an orange juice bottle of vodka every morning! Gimme a shot of that!
Nerdy office worker: Do you really think I look like an alchie? An alchemist, maybe…
Manhattan, New York
Archive for the ‘Cops’ Category
You Have a Gift for Storytelling, My Friend
Security worker: The girl they adopted was a grown woman, but she was a midget.
Fishers, Indiana
Overheard by: Answer the damn phone
…But Why Am I Telling This to a Purple Stegosaurus?
Detective #1, walking away from meeting with chief: Man,where do you come up with some of this shit?
Detective #2: There were a couple summers in the 70s when I thought LSD was a vitamin.
Manhattan, New York
Can We Just Agree That the Guy Was Fruity in General?
Security guard to boss: Michael Jackson loved apricots. Don’t forget.
Burbank, California
Gives a New Meaning to ‘Dirty Cop’
Cop: Oh my god! This peanut butter pie is so good, I just want to rub it all over my ass and dance around the lobby!
Tanner Road
Greenville, South Carolina
Overheard by: Xtina
I’m Gonna Say Courtney Love, But That’s Just a Shot in the Dark
Girl caller: Hi, I want to report a woman lying facedown in the road.
Police receptionist: What does she look like?
Rosemead, California
I’ve Never Been Pregnant, Sir.
Security guard: I don’t remember you ever not being pregnant.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: ZB
That, and They Mess Up Your Room While You’re Sleeping
Woman: I wanted to find out the status of the investigation on my stolen bike. It happened three weeks ago, and I haven’t heard back.
Cop: Well, ma’am, we’ve been busy with the orange alert.
Woman: I’m sorry — orange alert?
Cop: Ma’am, we’re in a war.
Woman: A war?!
Cop: The war with Iraq?
Woman: … You mean the fucking Iraqis stole my bike?!
Washington, DC
Psh, Like You Don’t Do That Four Times a Day
Building guest: I’m supposed to be upstairs on the 23rd floor for Cox.
Building security: Whoa there!
Manhattan, New York
But I’m Watching You, Pal
Security guard: Um, we have a problem here.
Traveler: And what might that be?
Security guard: Do you have any other form of identification? Your driver’s license is expired.
Traveler: No, it’s not… this is 2006.
Security guard: You may pass.
General Mitchell Airport
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Feeling Secure
