Archive for the ‘Comebacks’ Category

I Know the Per­fect Po­si­tion For You!

Em­ploy­ee #1: I don’t know how you got a bet­ter re­view than you did last year.
Em­ploy­ee #2: Yeah, me ei­ther.
Em­ploy­ee #1: You know, I re­al­ly on­ly get about 50% out of you each day.
Em­ploy­ee #2: Yeah, that sounds about right. Some days more, some days less. Usu­al­ly less.
Em­ploy­ee #1: Would­n’t it be great if I got that 100% out of you, though?
Em­ploy­ee #2: Prob­a­bly, but I re­al­ly just don’t feel like it.

901 War­renville Road
Chica­go, Illi­nois

Over­heard by: Re­cov­er­ing Worka­holic

He’d Rather Do It Av­o­ca­tion­al­ly

Man­ag­er: Why do they send so much of this stock? It’s nev­er gonna sell. What bunch of ar­se­holes thought this up at head of­fice?
Pe­on: This is re­al­ly get­ting to you, is­n’t it? I get the feel­ing you ap­plied for a job there, and they turned you down.
Man­ag­er: A job at head of­fice? No thanks, I’ve no de­sire to be an ar­se­hole for a liv­ing.
Pe­on: But you’d be so good at it.

4 The Sid­ings
Lin­coln, Unit­ed King­dom

Thank God the Week­end’s Fi­nal­ly Here

Co-work­er #1: Have you ever been to Greece?
Co-work­er #2: Yup.
Co-work­er #1: Did you go see ru­ins of Pan­theos?
Co-work­er #2: You mean, “the Parthenon?”
Co-work­er #1: Yeah, that’s it! Aw man, to­day I’ve got…what’s that called?
Co-work­er #2: Stu­pid?
Co-work­er #1: Ha, ha. Very fun­ny. No…oh! Mind dyslex­ia!
Co-work­er #2: As op­posed to body dyslex­ia?

216 W. Jack­son Boule­vard
Chica­go, Illi­nois

3PM Cof­fee Break

EA: …she’s still learn­ing to change a di­a­per and all that.
Suit: Re­al­ly?
EA: Yeah, but it’s been ex­tra hard emo­tion­al­ly be­cause our fam­i­ly is re­al­ly strict and my dad still can’t ad­mit to him­self that this hap­pened. All he’s said is, “I sent you to pri­vate school! Don’t they have sex ed there?” and “How could this hap­pen?” Which does­n’t help her at all.
Suit: No, prob­a­bly not.
EA: It’s like, “Dad, the ba­by is al­ready here, get a grip.” But, well, she’s the ba­by of the fam­i­ly and I guess we all know how fa­thers are.
Suit: No, ac­tu­al­ly, I don’t. I nev­er met mine.

40 IDX Dri­ve
South Burling­ton, Ver­mont

Over­heard by: Bub­ble Wrap THIS

Teens Re­al­ly Should Be Clean­ing That Up Them­selves

Fe­male co-work­er #1: So my ob-gyn has been see­ing all these young girls for their an­nu­als this sum­mer. She was amazed at how much sex they’re hav­ing. Like 2 to 3 times a day. She had to tell them they had to stop hav­ing in­ter­course for a month so the Pill could take ef­fect, and they say, “What are we sup­posed to do all sum­mer?” She was shocked.
Fe­male co-work­er #2: How old are these girls?
Fe­male co-work­er #1: She said they’re be­tween 17 and 20 years old.
Fe­male co-work­er #2: Geez. Even if I had time to have sex 2 times a day, I’d have bet­ter things to do!
Fe­male co-work­er #1: Yeah, like clean up af­ter my teenagers!

Mo­tor Ve­hi­cle Build­ing
Tren­ton, New Jer­sey

Over­heard by: Not get­ting any ei­ther